When i got Kidnapped...

This was the last thing I expected. I can understand when a pretty girl gets kidnapped by a rowdy for sex (read Sita getting kidnapped by Ravana) or when a rich kid gets kidnapped for money….but me? This was the heights.

It all started with an irresponsible statement by Owais (if you want to send him hate messages, click here for Owais'sFacebook profile).

Last Wednesday I went to his desk in Kashmir University for a very innocent, “Good morning!”

He responded: “Good morning, rich guy!”

At this, one of his class friend – a young, aspiring kid who has just finished his graduation and joined Kashmir University looked up and asked: “Rich guy?” Why?

That’s when Owais let out the irresponsible statement. He said: “Did you know…behind his funny blog he has other blogs on Autos, Cricket, Mobile Reviews etc…which help him earn 100 thousands every month?”

A man (and woman) is always left wondering under such circumstances. I wondered if I should let the ignorance pass by or tell them the truth that it was not like that. Ignorance is bliss, elders have said…so I didn’t open my mouth. Besides, it felt good to be held in awe.

But the problem with an appreciative statement is that everybody holds up their ear to hear your response to the appreciation – which puts you under tremendous amounts of pressure. Should you act humble and downplay it by saying something like “yeah right owais! Next you will say that my fingers are insured for Rs 5 crores!” Something like “Ohhh…this is nothing owais. I used to earn 1000 thousands every month before the recession kicked in.”

Anyway, I didn’t say anything and walked away with a grin.

While walking away, I did notice a glint in the eyes of Ibrahim wani & Jaswinder singh, the two young graduates who study with owais in Kashmir University. Back then I didn’t realize that these kids could kidnap me and demand a ransom from my girl friend laila.(name changed)

I wouldn’t tell you how these two kids kidnapped me. But I can assure you that I didn’t walk into the trap wanting an ‘ice cream.’ The gratification they offered was much bigger - a three hour meeting with Priyanka Chopra, all alone.

Once in a stinking lodge, I started to cry. They did try to console me with ice creams and pop corn but their choice of snacks showed their lack of experience in kidnapping adult clients. My Favorite butter chicken would have made some sense.

They then called up laila and made her hear my cries. I was so glad laila didn’t ask for some proof of the kidnapping for they would have cut my ear and sent it across to her. I don’t mind losing my ear but the problem was…laila wouldn’t have been able to recognize my ear – she last saw it from close quarters during our date in some part of octomber2008.

Here is how the conversation between laila and my kidnappers go:

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We have Shakeeb…you are at our mercy now.”

laila: “Hmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: Do you have a piece of paper & a pen?

laila: “Hmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: Note down our demands…and don’t try to be smart and go to the police.

laila: “Hmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We need twelve lakhs and five hundred and fifty rupees to release shakeeb.”

laila: “And…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: And a get away vehicle – a Maruti car to be sent to the lodge where we are staying.

laila: “Is this your first kidnapping?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: There are two firsts in this kidnapping - first time we are kidnapping an adult. And also, this is our first kidnapping after our graduation.”

laila: “Not bad.”

Why isn’t laila panicking? Does she think that I am staging this because even after eight years of relationship she doesn’t allow me to own a credit card? Does she think I am staging this just to get her needed attention???

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “You have 24 hours to give us twelve lakhs and five hundred and fifty rupees.”

laila: “Hmmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “You will have to create a profile on Facebook.com, the social networking site and send a friendship request to the ID called ‘Kidnapper007’.”

laila: “Hmmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Once you do that…we will send you directions to the place where you have to drop the money bag.”

laila: “Hmmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We will call again.”

After the call, Ibrahim and Jaswinder bought me masala chola for the night. And to make up for the promise that I will get to spend time with Priyanka Chopra alone…they bought the movie ‘Dostana’…and left me alone in the room to watch. If only they had untied my hands, I could have switched on the DVD player.

Exactly 24 hours later, they called laila again.

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We guess the money is ready.”

laila: “Aren’t you assuming things?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Don’t get too smart…we can be nasty with your boyfriend shakeeb.”

laila: “We don’t have that much money. In fact, I have been asking him to buy a vacuum cleaner for the last four months and he hasn’t been able to buy it for even my sake, you know his room stinks every time i visit his place.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We don’t want to get into your domestic issues. Can you pay that money or not?”

laila: “No I can’t. He hasn’t even bought a single gold ornament for me ever since we have been together.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Come on girl…be strong. Pay us just 10 lakhs and get your boyfriend back.”

laila: “I can’t do that. He gives away all his money to his mother.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: laila, we have put in a lot of effort and taken a lot of risk and you need to understand that. You need to pay us at least four lakhs and get your boyfriend released.

laila: “No way. Where will I go for the money…despite me advising him against it, he spent all savings in doing party every night at boulevard and khayam eating tuji.we have got no money in hand.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “How about 2 lakhs?”

laila: 2 lakhs? If I had two lakhs…wouldn’t I get my boyfriend shakeeb a new nano car,who drives maruti suzuki 800 of his father and that too year 2002 made, after all it is a matter of Pride in my friend circle?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Considering your financial problems, our Executive Board would like to convene and discuss the issue over. We will give you a call in another ten minutes.

laila: Just make it quick. The Sa re ga ma pa little champs Singer contest begins on ZeeTv in another 20 minutes…would be nice if we can finish this discussion before that.

After keeping the phone down, both Ibrahim and Jaswinder gave me a look I can’t forget. They then went outside to discuss things over. After 10 minutes of discussion, they called laila again.

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: We understand your financial troubles and have decided to give you a ninety percent discount and now you only have to give fifty thousand and fifty five rupees only.

laila: “Trust me, I won’t be able to afford even that. I have a back up in place – I have got my boyfriend to get a good insurance in his name.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: How is this insurance going to help you in this negotiation? You have no choice but to pay us.

laila: “You can’t arm twist me. You can do whatever you want with my boyfriend.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…”

I didn’t know my girl friend was Kevin Spacey and Samuel L Jackson rolled into one (have you seen Hollywood movie The Negotiator?) Whatever her intent, she definitely was succeeding. But the million dollar question remained which of the two M's did my girl friend prefer – Money or Me?

laila: Just out of curiosity…why was your first quote twelve lakhs and five hundred and fifty rupees? Why not just twelve lakhs?

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…we spent Rs five hundred on an AC cab to transfer your boyfriend to the lodge. And Rs 50 on renting a ‘Dostana’ DVD.

laila: “Ohhh…ok. Why talk of what I can’t give…lets talk positive…lets talk of what I can give.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…that would be nice.”

laila: “I can give you five hundred and fifty rupees. What do you say?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…we will have to call you back. Is that fine?”

After keeping the phone down, both Ibrahim and Jaswinder gave me another look. Did the negotiations break down? Will I be killed? Before I could ask them…the kidnappers left the room for discussions. Again, they came back and called up laila.

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “How would you want to give us the five hundred and fifty rupees? We are fine with it.”

laila: “You will have to bring my boyfriend shakeeb home, and the moment you hand him over…I will give you a check for the said amount.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “What is the assurance that the police wouldn’t be waiting for us in your house?”

laila: “Up to you…either you take the five hundred and fifty or you keep my boyfriend.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Ok…Ok…don’t get angry. We will be there in an hours time.”

It was Sunday.They went to laila's home, and exchanged me with laila for a check of rupees five hundred and fifty. Thankfully, there were no policemen inside the house…for there could have been exchange of fire…and my girl friend’s wall decorations would have been affected.

I couldn’t face laila the whole day. On Monday The next day while leaving for Kashmir university, she asked: “Do you know the J&k Bank customer care number? I want to put a stop payment on a cheque.”

I gave her the number…but didn’t ask which cheque this was.

Alec Smart said: certainly Your girl friend Laila prefers the bigger M..."Money"
Shakeeb replied: Thank God she is only my girl friend and not my wife :)

written by : Shakeeb Ashai