You Know You Are a Kashmiri When...

You know your Kashmiri when...
Chai must be had at least 4 times a day, in the morning, for lunch, at 4, and when you come back from work.
Weddings last for at least a fortnight !
All the women at your parties try to see who can talk the loudest.
You can hear their laughter and even the voh-vohs from the basement.
You meet a whole new line of families at Kashmiri gatherings.
You are going to be a daakhtar [doctor].
You drink nun-chai and eat kulchas.
You can pronounce tchzamun/ tchzarvan
Big noses/ Hooked noses run in your DNA, and if somehow you end up with a different one- people refuse to acknowledge you as a Kashmiri.

You know the correct pronunciations to the song, Rind Posh Maal...
You know many kashmiri phrases such as
- KholAKhar
- Trath Payin
- Kya Gowm
- Balai Lagey
- Shikas Lad

"You know many kashmiri phrases such as
KholAKhar
Trath Payin
Kya Gowm
Balai Lagey
Shikas Lad "You are the most politically aware kid in your school.
Your brother owns some kind of expensive video game player.
You think you can sing, but you really cant.
When any food you eat is subjected to the wazwaan test, which it inevitably fails. :)
When the first thing you wait for in the morning is to get the tchzot, bakerkhaani, kulcha etc. from the kaandhur's shop.
When double-tchzot is given to the spoilt brats, cuz they wont eat the traditional breads.

If you happen to pass all the uncles, you always hear them debating about Kashmiri politics.
Your knees have ached after hours of sitting around a thasanaari eating food.
You've spied on the wazaa's at your wedding before.
Everyone is your aunty and everyone is you uncle.

You have atleast once rode a crazy horse in Pahelgam or Gulmarg or have heard someone's tales about it.
You have been to Oberoi Palace for dinner.
You have been to Broadway for lunch.
Your cousin is getting married this summer, so you have to spend all year planning your outfit.

Wanna be Kashmiri's are not cool.
You hear bomb blasts outside, and you panic. Your aunty reassures that they wont blast here and goes along with her daily chores. For some reason now, you are more scared.
You are always in search of the "vyaes"- the bone marrow :P
No meal is a meal without rice.
No meal is a meal without meat.
You never felt the need for having deserts after an enormous wazwaan.
You think you are the only person competent enough to call yourself an Aryan.

Kashmiri is the perfect code language in public places becuase NOBODY knows it.
You've grown up being extremely proud of you culture.
You are stylish.
When you are somehow related to that other Kashmiri.
You wear a sweater over your salwaar kameez.
When kashmir fights consist of going "ey ey ey"
Any news piece on Kashmir catches your eyes within 5 miliseconds of your flipping through the newspaper.

You dont know / cant find the Hindi/ English word for Monj-Haakh.
When your house is filled with Samovars.
You wonder what a samovar is doing at your Iranian/Russian friends house.
People are puzzled when you speak kashmiri.
You wonder why.

You prefer Shah Rukh Khan to Amitab Bachan because he looks- oh so kashmiri Plus he is so called muslim!!! similarly you support Pakistan in cricket because they are a muslim nation no matter how bad they play!

When all the Kashmiri woman talk, no one can hear what anyone else is saying.
Your mom walked to Presentation Convent together with [insert friends name here]'s mom when they were kids.
You find it hilarious when your watch Kashmiri soap operas and they are trying to act romantic.

"Sweety sweety drai duty is your favorite theme song."

"Sweety sweety drai duty is your favorite theme song."
Punctuality is for Caucasians
Your dad told you that you were the prince/princess of Kashmir when you were a kid.
You grew up believing him.
You know all about the India-Pakistan separation.
You are close friends with Kashmiri Political Figures.
Your mom doesn't let your dad go into politics.
People respond with "where's that?" when you tell them where your from.

You made a Kashmir stall at your school's cultural fests.
Your house is filled with Kashmiri rugs and furniture.
You are sure to bring in the kashmiri connection to anything and everything.
You are irritated when your french manicure is stained yellow from the wazwaan food.
When you don't own any naked baby photos, but have many photos of you in a traditional kashmiri dress taken in Nishat Bagh.

You eat softies at Zero Bridge.
Your dad ate softies at Zero Bridge in college.
Your whole family knows the guy who owns the Softy shop at zero bridge.
When you have rode a shikara on dal lake, and then your driver got into a fight with the guys cuz he was asking for 5 more rupees.

When you wake up on saturday mornings because your mom is calling kashmir and even the neighbors can hear what she's talking about.
You go to sleep while the dogs howl to the moon.

You are always glued to the TV for every single cricket match and then complain that the captain did no good job.

You click 'add to dictionary' when spell check cant recognize your name.
You do this to every computer you lay your hands on.

Inputs : Shakeeb Ashai ,

Further Additions: courtesy Aditya dhar (Facebook)

- You know u r a kashmiri when u enter ur house and ur Mom says- Aakha Tchu.
- You go to a Khandar and some strange old lady with a bushy hairy mole (just below her nose) will Kiss you right left and center and say- Mai ma zaanakh, bu che chain maas.
- In those same Khandar's U will see Kumbh Ka Mela next to Roghan Josh and Kaliya stalls. Then everyone will make a heap of it on their plates as well as in Dust-Bins.(As an experiment we should invite Menka Gandhi to a kashmiri wedding- Apne Hathyaar chod Bhaag khadi hogi)
- This is the way Our Uncles will always pronounce the following words
Six- SIKIS
Construction- Canastruction.
Help- Helap
- Our relatives Love using Kashmiri words while talking to someone non kashmiri - Raste mai mera toh myada he kharaab ho gaya, Taichi taichi lag gai.
- Literal Translation of Kashmiri Abuse:-
Che pai Ghuss Trath- May a Bolt of Crap fall on U.(Pure Genius)

Forgive me if you cant understand some kashmiri words .

you can email me at : shakeeb.ashai@gmail.com

VEARAN BONIE HUND HAEREN KAV....

When i got Kidnapped...

This was the last thing I expected. I can understand when a pretty girl gets kidnapped by a rowdy for sex (read Sita getting kidnapped by Ravana) or when a rich kid gets kidnapped for money….but me? This was the heights.

It all started with an irresponsible statement by Owais (if you want to send him hate messages, click here for Owais'sFacebook profile).

Last Wednesday I went to his desk in Kashmir University for a very innocent, “Good morning!”

He responded: “Good morning, rich guy!”

At this, one of his class friend – a young, aspiring kid who has just finished his graduation and joined Kashmir University looked up and asked: “Rich guy?” Why?

That’s when Owais let out the irresponsible statement. He said: “Did you know…behind his funny blog he has other blogs on Autos, Cricket, Mobile Reviews etc…which help him earn 100 thousands every month?”

A man (and woman) is always left wondering under such circumstances. I wondered if I should let the ignorance pass by or tell them the truth that it was not like that. Ignorance is bliss, elders have said…so I didn’t open my mouth. Besides, it felt good to be held in awe.

But the problem with an appreciative statement is that everybody holds up their ear to hear your response to the appreciation – which puts you under tremendous amounts of pressure. Should you act humble and downplay it by saying something like “yeah right owais! Next you will say that my fingers are insured for Rs 5 crores!” Something like “Ohhh…this is nothing owais. I used to earn 1000 thousands every month before the recession kicked in.”

Anyway, I didn’t say anything and walked away with a grin.

While walking away, I did notice a glint in the eyes of Ibrahim wani & Jaswinder singh, the two young graduates who study with owais in Kashmir University. Back then I didn’t realize that these kids could kidnap me and demand a ransom from my girl friend laila.(name changed)

I wouldn’t tell you how these two kids kidnapped me. But I can assure you that I didn’t walk into the trap wanting an ‘ice cream.’ The gratification they offered was much bigger - a three hour meeting with Priyanka Chopra, all alone.

Once in a stinking lodge, I started to cry. They did try to console me with ice creams and pop corn but their choice of snacks showed their lack of experience in kidnapping adult clients. My Favorite butter chicken would have made some sense.

They then called up laila and made her hear my cries. I was so glad laila didn’t ask for some proof of the kidnapping for they would have cut my ear and sent it across to her. I don’t mind losing my ear but the problem was…laila wouldn’t have been able to recognize my ear – she last saw it from close quarters during our date in some part of octomber2008.

Here is how the conversation between laila and my kidnappers go:

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We have Shakeeb…you are at our mercy now.”

laila: “Hmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: Do you have a piece of paper & a pen?

laila: “Hmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: Note down our demands…and don’t try to be smart and go to the police.

laila: “Hmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We need twelve lakhs and five hundred and fifty rupees to release shakeeb.”

laila: “And…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: And a get away vehicle – a Maruti car to be sent to the lodge where we are staying.

laila: “Is this your first kidnapping?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: There are two firsts in this kidnapping - first time we are kidnapping an adult. And also, this is our first kidnapping after our graduation.”

laila: “Not bad.”

Why isn’t laila panicking? Does she think that I am staging this because even after eight years of relationship she doesn’t allow me to own a credit card? Does she think I am staging this just to get her needed attention???

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “You have 24 hours to give us twelve lakhs and five hundred and fifty rupees.”

laila: “Hmmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “You will have to create a profile on Facebook.com, the social networking site and send a friendship request to the ID called ‘Kidnapper007’.”

laila: “Hmmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Once you do that…we will send you directions to the place where you have to drop the money bag.”

laila: “Hmmm…”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We will call again.”

After the call, Ibrahim and Jaswinder bought me masala chola for the night. And to make up for the promise that I will get to spend time with Priyanka Chopra alone…they bought the movie ‘Dostana’…and left me alone in the room to watch. If only they had untied my hands, I could have switched on the DVD player.

Exactly 24 hours later, they called laila again.

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We guess the money is ready.”

laila: “Aren’t you assuming things?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Don’t get too smart…we can be nasty with your boyfriend shakeeb.”

laila: “We don’t have that much money. In fact, I have been asking him to buy a vacuum cleaner for the last four months and he hasn’t been able to buy it for even my sake, you know his room stinks every time i visit his place.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “We don’t want to get into your domestic issues. Can you pay that money or not?”

laila: “No I can’t. He hasn’t even bought a single gold ornament for me ever since we have been together.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Come on girl…be strong. Pay us just 10 lakhs and get your boyfriend back.”

laila: “I can’t do that. He gives away all his money to his mother.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: laila, we have put in a lot of effort and taken a lot of risk and you need to understand that. You need to pay us at least four lakhs and get your boyfriend released.

laila: “No way. Where will I go for the money…despite me advising him against it, he spent all savings in doing party every night at boulevard and khayam eating tuji.we have got no money in hand.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “How about 2 lakhs?”

laila: 2 lakhs? If I had two lakhs…wouldn’t I get my boyfriend shakeeb a new nano car,who drives maruti suzuki 800 of his father and that too year 2002 made, after all it is a matter of Pride in my friend circle?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Considering your financial problems, our Executive Board would like to convene and discuss the issue over. We will give you a call in another ten minutes.

laila: Just make it quick. The Sa re ga ma pa little champs Singer contest begins on ZeeTv in another 20 minutes…would be nice if we can finish this discussion before that.

After keeping the phone down, both Ibrahim and Jaswinder gave me a look I can’t forget. They then went outside to discuss things over. After 10 minutes of discussion, they called laila again.

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: We understand your financial troubles and have decided to give you a ninety percent discount and now you only have to give fifty thousand and fifty five rupees only.

laila: “Trust me, I won’t be able to afford even that. I have a back up in place – I have got my boyfriend to get a good insurance in his name.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: How is this insurance going to help you in this negotiation? You have no choice but to pay us.

laila: “You can’t arm twist me. You can do whatever you want with my boyfriend.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…”

I didn’t know my girl friend was Kevin Spacey and Samuel L Jackson rolled into one (have you seen Hollywood movie The Negotiator?) Whatever her intent, she definitely was succeeding. But the million dollar question remained which of the two M's did my girl friend prefer – Money or Me?

laila: Just out of curiosity…why was your first quote twelve lakhs and five hundred and fifty rupees? Why not just twelve lakhs?

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…we spent Rs five hundred on an AC cab to transfer your boyfriend to the lodge. And Rs 50 on renting a ‘Dostana’ DVD.

laila: “Ohhh…ok. Why talk of what I can’t give…lets talk positive…lets talk of what I can give.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…that would be nice.”

laila: “I can give you five hundred and fifty rupees. What do you say?”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Hmm…we will have to call you back. Is that fine?”

After keeping the phone down, both Ibrahim and Jaswinder gave me another look. Did the negotiations break down? Will I be killed? Before I could ask them…the kidnappers left the room for discussions. Again, they came back and called up laila.

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “How would you want to give us the five hundred and fifty rupees? We are fine with it.”

laila: “You will have to bring my boyfriend shakeeb home, and the moment you hand him over…I will give you a check for the said amount.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “What is the assurance that the police wouldn’t be waiting for us in your house?”

laila: “Up to you…either you take the five hundred and fifty or you keep my boyfriend.”

Ibrahim & Jaswinder: “Ok…Ok…don’t get angry. We will be there in an hours time.”

It was Sunday.They went to laila's home, and exchanged me with laila for a check of rupees five hundred and fifty. Thankfully, there were no policemen inside the house…for there could have been exchange of fire…and my girl friend’s wall decorations would have been affected.

I couldn’t face laila the whole day. On Monday The next day while leaving for Kashmir university, she asked: “Do you know the J&k Bank customer care number? I want to put a stop payment on a cheque.”

I gave her the number…but didn’t ask which cheque this was.

Alec Smart said: certainly Your girl friend Laila prefers the bigger M..."Money"
Shakeeb replied: Thank God she is only my girl friend and not my wife :)

written by : Shakeeb Ashai